As soon as my trustworthy pal sends the URL over so I can post it here, we will know where these one-line zingers came from. In the meantime, you must read them. I've personally never read anything so funny. The Subject of course is: Lexiphile humor.
THE DEFINITION: Lexiphile (i.e., "lovers of words" you know . like. you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish . or, I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger . then it hit me . etc.). Well, here are some for you to enjoy .
•To write with a broken pencil is . pointless.
•When fish are in schools they sometimes . take debate.
•A thief who stole a calendar . got twelve months.
•When the smog lifts in Los Angeles . U.C.L.A.
•The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes . was on shaky ground.
•The batteries were given out . free of charge.
•A dentist and a manicurist married.. They fought tooth and nail.
•A will is a . dead giveaway.
•If you don't pay your exorcist . you can get repossessed.
•With her marriage, she got a new name . and a dress.
•Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you . A-flat miner.
•You are stuck with your debt if . you can't budge it.
•Local Area Network in Australia . The LAN down under.
•A boiled egg is . hard to beat.
•When you've seen one shopping center . you've seen a mall.
•Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was . resisting a rest.
•Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
•If you take a laptop computer for a run you could . jog your memory.
•A bicycle can't stand alone . it is two tired.
•In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism . it's your Count that votes.
•When a clock is hungry . it goes back four seconds
•The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine . was fully recovered.
•He had a photographic memory . which was never developed.
•Those who get too big for their britches will be . exposed in the end.
•When she saw her first strands of gray hair . she thought she'd dye.
•Acupuncture . a jab well done.
While waiting for him to find the SOURCE, I spotted these. A few are the same - but a second laugh is always worth it. Here's MORE derived from this source:
Sorry, I couldn’t resist these “puns”
* A backward poet writes inverse.
* I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
* Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
* Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? he’s all right now.
* The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.
* To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
* When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
* A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
* A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
* Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
* We’ll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
* When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.
* The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
* The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
* The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
* If you take a laptop computer for a run, you could jog your memory.
* A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
* A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired.
* The optometrist fell into his lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself. [That’s a story that lens itself.]
* Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
* In a democracy it’s your vote that counts; in feudalism, it’s your Count that votes.
* A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
* With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
* Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I’ll show you A-flat miner.
* When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
* The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
* A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France and resulted in Linoleum Blown apart.
* You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
* He broke into song because he couldn’t find the right key.
* A boiled egg is hard to beat.
* He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
* His parents thought he was a budding genius, but he turned out to be a blooming idiot.
* A plateau is a high form of flattery.
* Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
* When you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen a mall.
* When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.
* Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
* Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
* Acupuncture: a jab well done.
Source: via Internet Humour